Monday, July 02, 2007

Chris Benoit, Steroids, the WWE

It has been around a week now since the tragic story broke of WWE wrestler Chris Benoit and his apparent murder-suicide, but things are still unexplained. Sure, there are the obvious reasons that this may have happened; steroids, prescription pain medicine, and anti-depressants, but the mystery is that nobody saw it coming.

I was never a real big fan of Benoit. I watched wrestling during the peak years of both the WWE and WCW, around my sophomore/junior year of high school. During that time, I enjoyed watching Stone Cold Steve Austin, The NWO (Hollywood Hogan, Scott Hall, Big Show, Macho Man, Sting), Goldberg, and other outlandish characters. Chris Benoit was always an average guy with no real flamboyance or distinct personality. He usually just strutted down the ramp looking pissed off, held a scowl on his face through the entire match, and wrestled his way to a boring win. He was simply vanilla, although visibly swoll.

When I first heard of this tragic story, it interested me greatly. Although I would have never made a neon sign to support him (or for anyone else for that matter), Benoit was still someone I knew from my days of watching Monday night Nitro/Raw. I read of him strangling his wife, suffocating his kid, and putting down a bible next to them as he committed his own suicide. A few days later I read that this didn't all happen in a matter of minutes like most murder/suicides, but that this horror scene took place over the span of a weekend. I learned that he tied up his wife and used his trademark choke hold to kill his son. I couldn't do anything but wonder why. How could a dad end the life of the son that adored him, the child who still had posters of his dad all over his room and a fake championship wrestling belt on his dresser? Why?

Initially, I knew that they would find steroids. In fact, every time I watch wrestling my eyes help my brain understand that more than 75% of wrestlers probably do them. I'm not naive. I understand that this is an industry where wrestlers can't afford to lose their edge, that men who would otherwise be body builders do whatever they can to gain as much muscle mass as possible.

Watch a wrestling event and tell me that this doesn't happen. Sure, it's not public, but neither was the "alleged" steroid era in baseball. It wasn't until Jose Canseco blew the whistle on Major League baseball that people, including Congress, started to take it seriously. And it should be the same with wrestling, but I'm afraid it won't be.

Vince McMahon has already been on trial for possessing and distributing steroids. Of course, he was found not guilty, but then again, so was OJ Simpson. I'm not real sure what the testing regulations for the WWE are, but if I were to assume that it is an in house operation with little external oversight then I might also assume that testing procedures and reporting are particularly subjective. Not to mention, if steroids are prescribed by a doctor for any reasons then a test for them will be returned negative. You think an organization like this doesn't have connections to doctors who are willing to prescribe such medications for "ailments" such as "back pain"?

McMahon is an entrepreneur. He loves his product. He understands that in building his product he will need to comprise the most fit, muscled up athletes possible. I have a hard time believing that he hasn't set up any loopholes for athletes within his organization. In fact, many wrestlers have died from a complicated use of steroids and other drugs. And yet, the United States Congress is more concerned about former (and a few current) baseball players that might have used HGH/steroids in the past.

Sure, seventy three home runs by Barry Bonds broke baseball's single season home run record and, yes, Barry Bonds is one of the men mentioned in the steroid scandal of the late 90's/early 00's, but Barry Bonds never killed his wife, son, and himself. He never ended up dead in a hotel room like others who have wrestled in the Organization of World Wrestling. And yet, he is in the national spotlight more than someone who is able to body slam a man weighing over 400 pounds?

I'm not trying to say that I don't understand why Congress looks into the MLB over the WWE. I know why. Major League Baseball is a professional league that is organized by owners and a players union. Just like any other professional league, the revenue and stage that it's on brings a lot of attention to the things that go on within the league. Wrestling, on the other hand, is a privately owned source of entertainment, not particularly organized by unions and such as the major sports are. The spotlight is minimal and a lot can happen without anyone over the age of sixteen knowing about it. It's not on a enormous stage, it's not even on any huge, major networks. And as a result, will probably not grab the attention it deserves on the topic of steroids.

I'm unsure as to why it always takes a tragedy to really look into something. I suppose it's just human nature. In the meantime, there are child aged fans of Chris Benoit who were subjected to horror stories of their favorite hero. As much as that seems to be unfair to those kids, think about the wife and son and how steroids and a combination of other drugs became unfair to the lives that they never got to live.

Monday, June 25, 2007

The Washington Colonels 125th loss press conference

The Washington Colonels are the team that always loses to prankster teams like the Harlem Globetrotters. This is a pretty funny parody.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Kim Jong Il

The Onion says his voter rating is down to 120%. Round table discussion.


In The Know: Kim Jong-Il's Approval Rating Plummets to 120%

Al Bundy

Al Bundy gets funnier the older I get.

Thursday, June 14, 2007

Spelling Bee on Kimmel

Jimmy Kimmel and Evan O'Dorney have a spell off, but the words are pronounced by Guillermo in a thick Spanish accent. I thought this was pretty funny:

Nerds Gone Wild

This a late post of what occurred this weekend:

On Sunday I saw one of the nerdiest/gayest things of all time. A couple of friends and I went to Lucy Park to play a round of disc golf. When we arrived, we noticed a big field across from us that was interspersed with the occasional tree or three. We got out of the car and saw a group of people, dressed in cardboard, carrying pool noodles and homemade shields in the other hand.

It might have surprised me, but this is Wichita Falls and I have seen these kind of things take place before. It appears that Lucy Park is the place to get your medieval on. Each time I find myself staring in amazement. I wonder how much time each individual spent painting his costume and "preparing" for noodle war. Of course, there are the appointed archer's, otherwise known as the guys with a bow and sticks that have a toilet paper scrunched ball at one end. There is also the guy with tennis balls, who has the aim equivalent of an eighty year old who has suffered a stroke.

When we first arrived, the two teams were on opposite sides. They must had just went a couple of rounds, as they were in their particular groups discussing strategies or how they might better reenact their favorite dungeons and dragons scene. Regardless, Russ, Jared, and I took as long as we could to put on mosquito repellent, with the hopes of seeing live nerd action.

Soon enough, one side proclaimed, "READY", and together they marched, one side to the other. The buildup was intense, as I was really unsure the fat ass with the orange noodle was going to make it very far in hand to hand combat.

Amidst our chuckles, they met in the middle, swinging their noodles wildly with limited coordination. The archer stood back, flinging toilet paper ball sticks on an arch as weak and ineffective as a stream of pee. On the side, the tennis ball guy stood 10 feet away from the enemy, unsuccessfully connecting on his first five throws. Noodles slapping cardboard, nerds screaming out points, and others running around with what looked to be no purpose other than to avoid getting hit, it was a classic weekend of nerds gone wild.

I searched Youtube so that you might actually visualize what I'm talking about. This comes close, enjoy:

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Soccer Hooligan's

Drunk soccer fan #1: "Ah hell, do what you want, we're at a soccer game. Social skills are otherwise prohibited."
Group in unison: "OK!"

Soon to follow, the newscast:

Click Here for more great videos and pictures!

Christian Okoye

According to Tecmo Super Bowl, Christian Okoye is the greatest running back ever?? You be the judge.
*If you are seeing this as an imported note on facebook, you'll have to view the original source of this blog -- hurtlester.blogspot.com -- Videos don't import.

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Foul Ball To Everyone's Nuts

This should have otherwise been considered a home run.

Yes Nike, We ARE Witnesses

Apparently, Nike picked the wrong time to suggest that we are all witnessing something great. Maybe they're innovators. Their marketing of Lebron James could just suggest that they are ahead of the curve. But as of right now, all this campaign means is that we are all witnesses to a pathetic NBA finals. We are witnesses to a dominant, experienced San Antonio Spurs team that has been refined by the Western conference. And soon, we'll be forced to testify.

It's not that Bron Bron isn't a great player because he is. It's just that he's four years removed from his senior prom and 3 years away from getting a huge insurance discount. His inexperience on a worldwide stage, lack of quality support, and the fact that no Eastern conference team really had a chance in the finals to begin with are the reasons many "witnesses" are filing towards the aisles and locating the nearest exit.

From a ratings standpoint, basketball is lucky they are only currently competing with women's college softball. Wait, that tragically ended last week (detect the sarcasm). I meant the NBA is competing against college baseball and soccer, a sport that people only watch when the final four teams make it to Omaha and one that people only hear when they fall asleep and roll onto the remote long enough for the channel to land on espn2.

So Nike is right, we'll be witnesses. We'll witness four games, two in San Antonio and two in Cleveland. Everyone will say I told ya so and we'll start counting down to the start of NFL training camp. Innovative indeed. "Don't nobody better pinch" Bron Bron.

Thursday, June 07, 2007

Hey man, need a lift?

A man leaving a convenience store got the ride of his life yesterday when his wheelchair latched onto a semi trailer's grille. Not the grill the Paul Wall generally raps about, but part of an actual vehicle. Unbeknownst to the driver, he put his rig in gear and headed on down the road, reaching a speed of 50 mph until he reached his destination.

Normally, people traveling in semi's are sent by Large Marge, but in unusual circumstances an occasional wheelchair will do. I'm guessing that if this guy had spinners on his wheelchair, they'd still be spinning.

"It was quite a ride," the man told police.


Honestly? You went down a road, in a wheelchair attached to the front of a semi, and you casually respond to the situation as it being "quite a ride"? This guy quite possibly has the biggest balls in America. Bugs slapping my face at such a high speed is convincing enough to have me say that the experience sucked, but traveling 50 mph in a wheelchair with no seatbelt is taking it to another level. That's enough to make uncontrollable accidents happen, in my pants.

It is sad, however, that his drink spilled throughout the process. Then again, it's the only evidence available that suggests this guy is not Superman.

Semi-truck takes man and wheelchair for a ride down Red Arrow Highway [South Bend Tribune]