Don't Take It Personal New Orleans

Any sort of national disaster is a bad thing and I am probably the first person to admit that. I don't like hearing of the deaths, looting, and violence that follow them.

I remember when sim city first came out on the computer. You could build your own city from scratch, set up your own infrastructure, and optimize your city's overall prosperity. I also remember the natural disasters that you could unleash on your man-made town if your frustration with its citizens reached its breaking point. It was refreshing to unleash a tornado or fire on a simulated city that never saw it coming. It made me feel vindicated for the high tax complaints of my citizens.

In the real world, unlike the game, there are cirumstances where you have time to evacuate your home, city, or state in order to seek protection. For example, many Californians know what it's like to hear of an uncontrollable forest fire and can choose to either evacuate the path of the ravenous fire or to sit and do nothing (and ultimately die a horrendous death). Floridians know what it's like to abandon state, sometimes even 2 or 3 times a hurricane season. As a result of these scenarios, we hear of a lot of destruction, but few casualties. I can live with that, and probably so can everyone else.

What I cannot live with is what has been going on in Lousiana. People were told to evacuate from New Orleans and surrounding suburbs before hurricane katrina had even touched American soil. The smart ones left, the not so smart ones stayed and ignored the advice. As a result, people have been stuck on second story apartment floors, in attics, in collapsed buildings, and I'm sure that many more have died. The death toll is relatively small as of today because rescue workers were told to look for survivors and ignore the death count and the lifeless bodies, but I imagine that it will rise sharply over the next week. This irrational decision has made rescue workers efforts sometimes futile and tireless. It has caused more of a problem than the actual hurricane damage itself and has endagered other lives as well.

I've never been in a hurricane, but I've seen pictures. I'd like to think that if one were coming and people who knew about it more than I did told me to evacuate I would. The last thing on my mind would be a second story apartment building or an attic to climb into. I'd rather float my way through the middle of an ocean storm on a small, wooden boat. But then again, I have common sense and a strong sense of logic. I'm not saying that those who decided not to flee deserve the fate that was handed to them or that they have no basis to make any more critical decisions in life. Wait, I guess I am saying that. I wonder if the witch doctors saw this one coming. And then I wonder if anyone who is still left in New Orleans listened.

Less Is More

I don't really have a blog for today. I think it's because I messed around and didn't start writing one until 3:41 am. Because it's so late, my eye lids are heavy and my fingers are typing exceptionally slow. Consequently I'll just write something simple, yet forthcoming.

School will start next week and now would be the time to use a Zach Morris time-out. I'm not worried about the school year or its demanding schedule, I'm just worried about my future. To be honest, I should have graduated by now. To be even more honest, I have switched my major 3 times and I still don't know what I want to do. If lottery strategy were a major, I'd major in it twice.

Don't get me wrong, it's not that I'm lazy. I just don't want to do something that's so organized and tedious. I don't really want to wear a suit to work 5 days a week and be obligated to workout on my lunch breaks, just like all the other corporate bigshots. I don't want to carry around a cup of coffee every morning just because I feel like I have to, I don't want to eat my lunch out of a vending machine, and I sure as heck don't want to pretend I'm somebody that I'm not just to make a little bit more money. So, as a result, I'll just complain, write blogs, and freak out about thoughts that I hate to freak out about. And in the meantime, if anybody has any ideas please let me know.

Fat Is The New Thin

To nobody's surprise, a consumer health group decided to tell the world that Americans are becoming fatter and fatter. It is estimated that 24.5% of Americans are overweight, which is up 2.5% from 2002. So what? Are they tattle-telling?
I remember learning somewhere in high school English that, in medeival times, beauty was symbolized by the chubby girl who ate a whole lot. It wasn't quite put into those terms, but that's basically what they wanted to say. The excuse was that fat people were seen as wealthier citizens because they could afford to eat more food. And then people started to conquer other people, floated across oceans, and started civil wars on other continents. In the midst of all that, people became skinny and the importance was placed on whomever could rub two sticks together and start a fire. Small colonies actually had to do things to survive like attack Native Americans, have Thanksgiving, and write in journals.
Now we are back to square one. Americans are fat because we grew up watching Rerun from What's Happening, Fat Albert, and Chris Farley, they all made us laugh and frankly that's all we cared about. We have no fear due to the fact that we are the world's only legitimate super power and have a superior military (as long as Republicans stay in office).......and because we grew up watching the Brady Bunch, where we learned that every bad story has a good ending. But then again, all that could be our downfall. History repeats itself, and if you haven't noticed by now, everything in life cycles (I'm patiently waiting for the chili-bowl haircut to be popular again).
But as for fat Americans, so be it. I say, if you want to be fat and enjoy the luxuries of this world then go for it. Just know that there is 1 out of every 4 Americans who are doing the same thing. However, also understand that if and when America is attacked again, you will be on the front lines, after all, you will have a lot of McDonald's to defend.

The West Nile - Some Say It Is A Virus, Others Say It's One Side Of A River, I Say I'm Doomed

Within a year or two you will be hearing my name. Sadly, it will be for all the wrong reasons. No, I don't plan on committing mass homicide, becoming a famous musician/actor, having my own tv show, or crawling on my knees from here to Maine in some sort of protest (because I'd stop about 5 minutes away from my house, get up and come back home). I think you will be hearing my name because I will be one of the victims of the West Nile virus.

One of the reasons that I am confident about this is the fact that I live in Texas, where the summers are humid and the rain we do get is more responsible for birthing mosquitos than it is for watering crops. I'm also that guy who doesn't like going to the doctor unless pain is unbearable. As a result, I feel that I am going to die from this virus due to the fact that I don't know exactly what the symptoms of the west nile virus are. Because of this, I decided to look them up so that I could give you a more detailed explanation on why I'm doomed:

Serious symptoms include:
High fever - This doesn't really impress me, the Nile has to come harder than this for me to seek medical attention
Headache - So far it's sounding like I filled a whole bowl with cereal before realizing that we were out of milk, I'm probably just in a bad mood.
Neck Stiffness - I must have slept wrong, I'm kinda pissed now.
Stupor - It must have been a late night.
Disorientation - It must have been a really, really late night.....who brought me home?
Coma - I swear that I fall into some kind of coma every time I sleep, it's called R.E.M and it doesn't sing "Losing My Religion" or "Everybody Hurts".
Tremors, Convulsions, Muscle Weakness, Memory Loss - Sounds like someone had a crush on me....and that I shouldn't have drank the punch.
Paralysis - Ok, I have the freaking West Nile Virus.....my blog came true after all....how could I have not seen this coming?

This afternoon I made the mistake of going outside for an extended period of time without the assistance of mosquito spray. I almost made the mistake of wearing shorts, but who can blame me? The entire time I probably looked liked I was crazy to someone in the distance, mainly because I was swatting things in the air, staring at my legs to kill anything that landed on them, and periodically running in place. I normally keep my testosterone in control, but I killed more mosquitos on this day than I have in a long time. Satisfying? Nah, because it made me mad that they were picking on me. Justified? Certainly. My opening paragraph says that I still have a year or two before a mosquito takes advantage of me, how's that for an ending?

The Express Lane Transgressor

I don't go to the grocery store all that much. The only times that I really go are when food rations are extremely low and when there aren't any deer in my neighborhood to kill, with my bare hands. But when I do go, I tend to be conscious of other shoppers, my squeaky cart, and it's jacked up wheel. I try to not get suckered into buying things that I never wanted, things that are placed so strategically throughout the store that they crush my will and comform my mind, leading me to think I'm an average American consumer and that I need fatty cakes to function at an above average level. I used to go to the store for two reasons, the free samples and the free cookie that I could always locate in the bakery. And then I grew up, got a job, and moved out of my mom's house, which defaulted me to solo status. No more free cookies (after about 13 I think I started to feel stupid, I thought there was really not any need to push little kids to the ground so that I could get the first one), the candy aisle meant less to me, and I discovered a fondness for the express lane.

The first few times I went to the grocery store alone I always forgot that I needed some sort of basket to put things in. It would never be obvious to me until I ran out of places to put the items that I was holding (so that's why they made cargo pants....?). And when I did start remembering to get baskets I would always, by default or bad luck (whichever one you believe in), get the one that turned sideways or the one that was so lopsided the fourth wheel would barely touch the ground. I would almost always keep my shopping at a minimum. Making sure that I qualified for the express lane was my first priority, second was beating others there. I'd have to say that, for the most part, I did a pretty good job.

I had to make a trip to the store this past weekend. It was one of those meaningful, yet meaningless trips. All that I had to get was lettuce, tomatoes, and a bag of ice, things that I couldn't buy at the convenience store down the street. I got my items and headed towards the front. As I got to my coveted express lane, I saw a lady in front of me. She had a grocery cart with items in it. By items I don't mean a couple of items, a few items, or 12 items, I mean exceeding express lane limit items. I was baffled so I looked up just to see if the express lane had changed its criteria due to high oil prices (ok not really, I just wanted to include that because everyone seems to be talking about that these days), but the limit was still 12. I didn't know what to do, so I started counting. I got to around 15 and I stopped. She had at least ten little jars of baby food alone! Do you think I'll feel sorry for you if you have baby food? Ok, maybe it softened my heart a little bit, but the lettuce head and tomato that I was holding were making my arm cold and I needed a reason to be mad. I didn't think I would be behind someone who disregarded the unwritten rule of a lane that attributes its popularity to the word express. But that's where I found myself, this time I lost. Next time I'm running to the front of the line, and I will take an extra head of lettuce to throw at anybody who tries to get in my way.

My Wrong Career Choice

I have a feeling that things are starting to catch on in the rap industry. First it was Jay-Z, now it's Eminem. After cancelling his tour in the UK this week, apparently Eminem is calling it quits. Yes, he is "retiring". What exactly that means is rather ambiguous because Slim Shady is only 32 and is about to dissapoint like a million little white kids who want to be just like him.
I get that if you are a rapper it is probably pretty cool to retire at a young age. I mean, who wouldn't if you already had your time on Cribs and millions in the bank? It's like the high school senior who has half of his college credits before he steps into a college classroom for the first time. I, on the other hand, should have graduated last year, but I'm only half-way through. It's about the equivalent to where I am at financially. I think I am estimated to retire when I'm in my upper 50's, and I'm confident that I won't have close to a million dollars in my checking account. It just goes to show that school doesn't pay. I should have moved to the projects and started my own rap career. Sure, I probably would have been killed for being a poser, but what if I got lucky? I'd probably be on cribs right now, or at least going to Diddy's parties. But I'm not, I chose to stay in my middle class neighborhood and take honors classes my junior and senior years in high school. Where has that gotten me? To college, a place where, even after I graduate, I will be making less than the interest on Eminem's weekly allowance. If my high school counselor would have done her job, I would have a platinum necklace with a miniature spinning rim dangling from my neck right now. Instead, I have to work another 55 years. Thanks, Mrs. Hicks.

$50 Can Buy You Chaos

Early this morning, Henrico county in Virginia opened its gates to prospective iBook consumers (Apple computer laptops). 1,000 laptops were being sold for $50 a piece so you can imagine how many people were waiting in line, with the hopes of getting their grubby hands on one of the used computers that were being cheaply sold by the Henrico County School District. What ensued was the equivalent to what would happen if 5,500 human beings heard that there was one t-bone steak left on a 3 acre deserted island. People were trampled, baby strollers were broken, and nobody has admitted it yet but I'm sure somebody's underwear was torn. Old people never really had a chance in the race to get the computers and it's probably safe to say that little people were written off from the very beginning.
The event included, a broken stroller, an old man-who relied on a walker-being trampled to the ground, scraped up knees, someone who was treated for a leg injury at the hospital, and 17 people who were treated for heat exhaustion. The only things missing were a blind man, someone in a wheelchair, anybody wearing an oxygen mask, and a circus clown. Five off-duty police officers were on the scene when the gates opened and 70 more had to be called in, 20 of those sported the oh-so-cool riot gear.
If this were a party then I would be the first to say that it was the sweetest party ever, but it was a public event so you'd think that people would know how to conduct themselves. But in mass gatherings, when it comes down to the survival of the fittest, I wouldn't want to be in line with a walker, stroller, or anything else that would prevent me from acting like a primitive ape. I'd carry fruits, nuts, old bread, and raw meat so that I would be able to throw them on the ground while I sprinted to the front. That way the cavepeople would become preoccupied and leave me with a straight shot to the first turnstile. But then again, I'd make sure to bring enough nuts, fruits, old bread, and raw meat for everybody, or they'd fight/trample over people for that too.

The article
If you click on the link, be sure to watch the video. Look at the old dude who is getting passed by everybody (at the beginning of the video). That's gotta suck, lol.

Dropping the P. in Coolness

I've always thought that it was kind of weird and unfair that I was given a name as a child and that I still have to answer to it to this day. My name could have been anything and I wouldn't have had one say in what was actually put on my birth certificate. Luckily, my parents were responsible human beings and didn't take that vital chore litely. As a result, bestowed upon me was a name that was somewhat popular for the early 80's (which was never really that popular with me).
But when you get famous things kind of change. If you're lucky enough, you finally get an opportunity to decide what people will refer to you as. You can choose a name that is more marketable, easier to say, or if you're a rapper, one that is easy to chant. You can choose a single name like Prince, Madonna, or Gallagher, or you can go with the intial/part last name like j.lo.
My personal favorite is the nickname for Sean Combs, a.k.a. Puff Daddy, a.k.a. P. Diddy, and now a.k.a. Diddy. It's true that "Diddy" has once again changed his name. I'm sure that this is not breaking news to most of you, but for the sake of my blog I must elaborate on why I think this might be pretty cool. First of all, the thing I find the coolest is how sneaky P. Diddy has been about making everyone in the whole world refer to him as "daddy" (albeit, in a subtle way), without many people even actually realizing it, and I like that. I personally don't know Diddy, but from all the hype he seems like he might be a pretty cool guy. But if he really kept it real then I could go up to one of his exclusive parties in a taxi, instead of a limo, and ask if I could get in, I'm sure he wouldn't be so real then....on the way home, feeling all rejected and dissapointed I'd really wonder what "being real" really meant.
I think it's kind of unfair that I can't change my name and actually have people call me by it. If I could, I would like to be called dad, it's not too flashy and it gets the point across. I could start this in the fall semester, on the first day of school. "If there is anybody here that goes by a different name then what is on the attendance sheet please let me know.""Yeah my name is Justin, but I go by Dad, thanks." The only problem with that nickname would be that I would probably have to grow a large belly and cut my hair so that it looks like I am going bald. I'd be forced to talk about things that nobody had an interest in and I'd need to be way out of touch with this generation. I'd wear a hat made of nylon that said "The World's Greatest Dad" and have to change my own oil. On second thought, I'll stick with Justin.

The Topic of Evolution....And a Frozen Turkey

The older I get the more I realize that there is some sort of distance between my generation and the genration that is right behind me. As a kid I was always outside, I knew what it was like to play in the rain, I actually had to knock on doors to see if my friends could play because I didn't know how to use a phone, and I actually participated in pick-up baseball/football games with the neighborhood kids. The older I got the more convenient it was to stay inside, but I still made time to get out and enjoy some fresh air. Waterballoons were like candy to me, the more I got, the more I wanted. Nothing brought me more joy than hitting someone or their car with my perfected 75 degree launch-and-run technique, except that one time I finally beat King Koopa and saved the princess in the first Mario Brothers game.
But as I have gotten older things have changed, technology has gotten better, and we're paying more for gas (which isn't as bad as it appears because, adjusting for inflation, we would have to be paying $90 a barrel of oil to match the oil crisis we faced in the early 80's - right now we're at $65). Kids are evolving too. More and more kids are now staying indoors. No, not because we are in somewhat of a nuclear arms crisis with countries like Iran and North Korea (so slap a kid in the face if they attempt to use that as an excuse), it's because they opt to play playstation 2's and x-box's instead, while growing increasingly obese (don't worry about that, Mcdonalds is becoming increasingly healthier....riiiight). And while water balloons might never go out of style, more teens are opting to throw frozen turkey's, resulting in broken faces. Maybe not all teens, but I know of one in particular.
A teenager from New York thought it would be a good idea to throw a frozen turkey out of the back of his window and onto another car. The result? A broken windshield, a shattered face, and a turkey that got the raw end of the deal (no pun intended....seriously). Apparently, five others were also arrested for charges that included a stolen credit card, used to buy video games, movies, and oh yeah, a frozen turkey. Luckily no truck was bought (with naked lady mud flaps), 20,000 dollars wasn't taken to complete a robot (a girrrrrl robot), and nobody felt the need for a $1500 leather boustier (one that lifts and seperates).
I don't know if that necessarily proves my point that generations are becoming more hardcore, however, just ask the turkey who sacrificed his life to end up on the side of some road, see what he thinks. Let him tell you that his ancestors were never used to go "egging". And then ask yourself, who was the bigger turkey..........ahhhhhhh I HAD to say it! It is the cheesiest pun ever....ahhhhhhhhh....nooooooooo....I tried to run away from it I swear, I saw it coming before I ever wrote this blog. Forgive.

The article

Get Your Own Girls Underwear

Since my last blog was about the greatest video game player in the world I must mention that the hamburglar was probably the greatest hamburger thief in the world. Throughout my childhood, I saw the hamburglar on tv commercials and he always had a hamburger in his hand. Not only did he always have a hamburger, he was always running way faster than any human being was able to run. I used to think that it didn't make sense because if he ate hamburgers all the time then he should have been fat and slow. Silly me, what did I know? As a tribute, Mcdonald's even started putting him in happy meals. I guess they figured if you can't beat him, glorify him! But this isn't about the hamburglar, arguably the best quarterpounder bandit ever, it's about a dude who is possibly the worst womans used undergarment crook on....the planet.
His name is Bruce, he has a mustache, and is from Oklahoma. How could anybody not see this coming? On five consecutive nights, Oklahoma's finest stole bras and underwear from the same woman at the same house. On the sixth night, his mustache finally caught up with him. He was caught by the husband of the woman and beaten with the leg of a baby's crib. The police were called and he was hauled off to jail, possessing only the underwear that he was wearing.
The beating looks pretty bad. He almost looks like the laundry he was trying to steal. How humiliating, but hat doesn't compare to being known as the worst women's underwear pirate of the past century, or getting beaten over the head and in the face with the leg of a baby's crib.

The article

The World's Most Dedicated Video Game Player 1976-2005

I know a lot of people are dedicated to video games, but I'm not one of them. Don't get me wrong, I have a playstation 2 and play it every once in a while, but I haven't died yet. A 28 year old male from South Korea died today because he apparently played video games in an internet cafe for 50 hours and experienced heart failure. Not to make light of the situation, but I'm willing to bet he lost.
50 freaking hours! I honestly don't think there is anything in this world that could occupy my time for 50 hours. If so, then I probably would have already died trying to do it. I guess the real lesson here is that things should be taken in moderation. Moderation is good. If you have too much, things start to lose their flavor and can become dangerous. If you have too little then you don't really get to enjoy the fullness of what you are currently experiencing. Call it a universal truth if you will.
The only thing I am left to wonder is whether or not this guy is viewed as a martyr for video game enthusiasts everywhere. I'm sure that he has to be known as the greatest video game player in the entire world. I'm not talking about a region, state, country, or hemisphere, I'm talking about the planet! I might even have included the galaxy, but I'm suspicious that the aliens have this dude beat. If he is not the greatest gamer, then he might just be the biggest stoner on the planet. After all, his co-workers told reporters that he "quit his job to spend more time playing games".

The Article

My Most Worthless Blog - Besides the Lazy Fish Blog

If you haven't heard by now, Britney Spears just got more annoying. Except this time, it wasn't her tv show, which is rather boring and uninsightful. Someone shot a photographer outside of Spears' home while he was attempting to get pictures of Britney's baby shower. I don't know whose side to take because I am sure that the paparrazzi and Britney/Kevin Federline are equally annoying. But then again, if someone wants to take pictures of you and your new baby clothes wouldn't you just go inside your house? Especially if it is as big as hers (Assuming it is big, I don't really care). There really isn't any need to shoot someone, even if it is with a pellet gun. I think a paintball gun would have been a lot funnier, and who knows...maybe I wouldn't be so harsh on the Spears/Federline family. However, I do have a problem with celebrities not changing their last name after getting married. No wonder the marriages never work out, they appear to be just glorified dating relationships. It's not like nobody would know who Britney Federline was. But I'm sure it would be a hassle to change back once they got divorced, which is likely to happen one day. Anyway, enough on Britney Spears. I just thought it was funny that someone got shot in the leg with a pellet gun. Just think about 50 cent getting shot 8 times with a real gun. A pellet would probably bounce right off of him. Then again, 50 rolls with like 20 people so I'm sure nobody wants to take a shot at his posse, not unless your rolling in a car.

*disclaimer - Marianne, sorry for the negative remarks about Britney....(fingers crossed)

Refunds Are Good, Refunds For Crappy Movies Are Better

I bet you have exited many movie theaters in your lifetime where you wish you could have gotten your money back. I know, for me, there have been more than a couple of times. I think the worst movie I have ever seen in a movie theater was probably Shazaam, the movie with Shaquille O'Neal who plays a genie that has been in hibernation for like a million years. Needless to say, following the movie my three wishes would have been to have the time back that I lost, the money back that I spent, and to be brainwashed into thinking that I had never seen the movie. But none of those things happened. In fact, I may have suffered brain damage from the whole encounter.

However, for some lucky movie-goers you now have the chance to get your money back for some movies that you went to go see (and that probably made your gf or bf break up with you). I think you can call it "justice".
You think I'm lying? I'm not. Sony pictures recently settled a lawsuit that began back in 1991 that will pay movie-goers a total of $1.5 million dollars. But before you start claiming that you watched every Sony pictures movie during their original theater runs, let me inform you that it only qualifies for a select number of movies. Those movies include: Vertical Limit, A Knight's Tale, The Animal, Hollow Man and The Patriot (sadly).
The reason behind the settlement, and the $5 refund, is due to the use of a fake film critic that Sony used to promote these films. This critic (that Sony made up) maybe said a total of 4 words for each film, which is really retarded. The lesson here? Even when you get out of school you still musn't cheat and make up crap. You'd think that something so public such as making up a critic and using him as a promotional tool would be incredibly obvious right? Someone must have thought otherwise. But that someone will go down as the dude who got people back their money for watching some really crappy movies (except the Patriot). And for that I'm going to check out the background of the critic who got me to see Shazaam. He was the little red guy on my left shoulder.

The article

Look What I Didn't Win!

I'm not really sure what kind of day it is for star wars fans. I wish I could say that I was one, but I rarely remember the first episode or two I saw as a little kid. And because of that I haven't watched any of the recent ones. If I were to catch up on any of the star wars movies I have missed it would be like going to next years prom, I wouldn't know any names or what the whole thing was really about. Plus, I would probably have to fly solo because something about "hey I rented star wars, do you want to come over and watch it with me?" doesn't sound right.

Regardless of whether or not I have actually watched the movies, I am hip to current events. Because of this I know that the original lightsaber used in the original star wars was sold for $200,600 U.S. dollars, or 164,200 euros if your gay. Darth vaders lightsaber was sold at a measley $118,000, or 96,600 euros if your still gay.
I can't imagine spending that much money on something that doesn't really light up. As a matter in fact, I can't imagine spending that much money on anything that does light up, except for a really hot model that smokes an occasional cigarette. If I were bidding on this lightsaber my bid stick would go up when the price was around 10 dollars and that's where I would stop. I'm sure everyone else would go on to bid 500 more times while I cursed my way back to my car, but at least I'd get to take home a bid paddle (for FREE suckers!).
So, for the star wars fanatics who are wondering who actually won the auction I have some bad news. The winning bidder chose to remain anonymous, which shows me that not all star wars fans are dumb.

My problems With Extremists

London police hold up pictures of a bombing supsect

I don't know about anybody else that is not a muslim extremist, but I am getting pretty tired of bombs going off in all parts of the world. I think the thing that makes me the most mad about it is the innocent lives that are taken as a result. The thing that makes me the second most mad about it is that these terrorists don't have to work like I do. I normally put in a 40 hour work week. Ok, maybe a little less. However, I don't think it is fair that terrorists make a living by making bombs and putting them in places to be blown up. And that kinda ticks me off. They say that they do it for Allah or whatever their reasons may be. Well, what happened to the lazy or apathetic arabs? I mean, all I did when I went to sunday school as a little kid was color pictures of Jesus and sing songs that made my heart feel good. But sometimes I didn't want to go to sunday school and I knew a lot of kids who didn't either. Why couldn't some muslim extremists have been the same way? It's not a matter of culture, it's just a matter of being a kid. If they had been as adamant about not going to sunday school like some of our American kids then I'm sure they wouldn't have grown up to be aspiring pyromaniacs. And I wouldn't have to be angry that I have to go to work and they don't.