The Washington Colonels 125th loss press conference

The Washington Colonels are the team that always loses to prankster teams like the Harlem Globetrotters. This is a pretty funny parody.

Kim Jong Il

The Onion says his voter rating is down to 120%. Round table discussion.


In The Know: Kim Jong-Il's Approval Rating Plummets to 120%

Al Bundy

Al Bundy gets funnier the older I get.

Spelling Bee on Kimmel

Jimmy Kimmel and Evan O'Dorney have a spell off, but the words are pronounced by Guillermo in a thick Spanish accent. I thought this was pretty funny:

Nerds Gone Wild

This a late post of what occurred this weekend:

On Sunday I saw one of the nerdiest/gayest things of all time. A couple of friends and I went to Lucy Park to play a round of disc golf. When we arrived, we noticed a big field across from us that was interspersed with the occasional tree or three. We got out of the car and saw a group of people, dressed in cardboard, carrying pool noodles and homemade shields in the other hand.

It might have surprised me, but this is Wichita Falls and I have seen these kind of things take place before. It appears that Lucy Park is the place to get your medieval on. Each time I find myself staring in amazement. I wonder how much time each individual spent painting his costume and "preparing" for noodle war. Of course, there are the appointed archer's, otherwise known as the guys with a bow and sticks that have a toilet paper scrunched ball at one end. There is also the guy with tennis balls, who has the aim equivalent of an eighty year old who has suffered a stroke.

When we first arrived, the two teams were on opposite sides. They must had just went a couple of rounds, as they were in their particular groups discussing strategies or how they might better reenact their favorite dungeons and dragons scene. Regardless, Russ, Jared, and I took as long as we could to put on mosquito repellent, with the hopes of seeing live nerd action.

Soon enough, one side proclaimed, "READY", and together they marched, one side to the other. The buildup was intense, as I was really unsure the fat ass with the orange noodle was going to make it very far in hand to hand combat.

Amidst our chuckles, they met in the middle, swinging their noodles wildly with limited coordination. The archer stood back, flinging toilet paper ball sticks on an arch as weak and ineffective as a stream of pee. On the side, the tennis ball guy stood 10 feet away from the enemy, unsuccessfully connecting on his first five throws. Noodles slapping cardboard, nerds screaming out points, and others running around with what looked to be no purpose other than to avoid getting hit, it was a classic weekend of nerds gone wild.

I searched Youtube so that you might actually visualize what I'm talking about. This comes close, enjoy:

Soccer Hooligan's

Drunk soccer fan #1: "Ah hell, do what you want, we're at a soccer game. Social skills are otherwise prohibited."
Group in unison: "OK!"

Soon to follow, the newscast:

Click Here for more great videos and pictures!

Christian Okoye

According to Tecmo Super Bowl, Christian Okoye is the greatest running back ever?? You be the judge.
*If you are seeing this as an imported note on facebook, you'll have to view the original source of this blog -- hurtlester.blogspot.com -- Videos don't import.

Foul Ball To Everyone's Nuts

This should have otherwise been considered a home run.

Yes Nike, We ARE Witnesses

Apparently, Nike picked the wrong time to suggest that we are all witnessing something great. Maybe they're innovators. Their marketing of Lebron James could just suggest that they are ahead of the curve. But as of right now, all this campaign means is that we are all witnesses to a pathetic NBA finals. We are witnesses to a dominant, experienced San Antonio Spurs team that has been refined by the Western conference. And soon, we'll be forced to testify.

It's not that Bron Bron isn't a great player because he is. It's just that he's four years removed from his senior prom and 3 years away from getting a huge insurance discount. His inexperience on a worldwide stage, lack of quality support, and the fact that no Eastern conference team really had a chance in the finals to begin with are the reasons many "witnesses" are filing towards the aisles and locating the nearest exit.

From a ratings standpoint, basketball is lucky they are only currently competing with women's college softball. Wait, that tragically ended last week (detect the sarcasm). I meant the NBA is competing against college baseball and soccer, a sport that people only watch when the final four teams make it to Omaha and one that people only hear when they fall asleep and roll onto the remote long enough for the channel to land on espn2.

So Nike is right, we'll be witnesses. We'll witness four games, two in San Antonio and two in Cleveland. Everyone will say I told ya so and we'll start counting down to the start of NFL training camp. Innovative indeed. "Don't nobody better pinch" Bron Bron.

Hey man, need a lift?

A man leaving a convenience store got the ride of his life yesterday when his wheelchair latched onto a semi trailer's grille. Not the grill the Paul Wall generally raps about, but part of an actual vehicle. Unbeknownst to the driver, he put his rig in gear and headed on down the road, reaching a speed of 50 mph until he reached his destination.

Normally, people traveling in semi's are sent by Large Marge, but in unusual circumstances an occasional wheelchair will do. I'm guessing that if this guy had spinners on his wheelchair, they'd still be spinning.

"It was quite a ride," the man told police.

Honestly? You went down a road, in a wheelchair attached to the front of a semi, and you casually respond to the situation as it being "quite a ride"? This guy quite possibly has the biggest balls in America. Bugs slapping my face at such a high speed is convincing enough to have me say that the experience sucked, but traveling 50 mph in a wheelchair with no seatbelt is taking it to another level. That's enough to make uncontrollable accidents happen, in my pants.

It is sad, however, that his drink spilled throughout the process. Then again, it's the only evidence available that suggests this guy is not Superman.

Semi-truck takes man and wheelchair for a ride down Red Arrow Highway [South Bend Tribune]

Superstars Need Not Use Contractions

"To really be apart of it is beyond what I've ever thought. It's kind of like I'm living the dream right now. Hopefully, don't nobody pinch me."
- Lebron James on his first NBA Finals appearance

There's definite intrigue when a star of Lebron James' magnitude sits down for an interview. It's not all that often that a superstar is candid about the way he or she feels about an upcoming series, event, or life situation. However, the anticipation of a solid interview can easily disconnect the ideal that your favorite athlete is all that intelligent.

I understand that football players suffer from concussions, that great basketball players don't get a college education, and that most athletes in baseball speak English as a secondary language, but is it too much to ask that one use a contraction properly? I mean, really. I understand that "don't" is often tricky and commonly used in sentences that establish a double negative, but at what point do people become liable for simple sentences?

If I were a commissioner, I would propose a rule that not one person in the league be allowed to use contracted words. My policy would strictly be under the assumption that contractions, and the relative sentence structure in which they are used, might bear greater responsibility on the athletes than they are capable of handling. Surely, the obligation to be clutch with game winning shots is a different kind of pressure, one that requires merely skill and lacks any superior cognitive functioning. However, the post game interview? Well, I wouldn't set anyone up to be criticized by the seventh grade boys club basketball star who was watching and subsequently leaned to his parent to ask if his hero's double negative was grammatically correct. Teachers in America already face an uphill battle. Arguing with your teacher that "don't nobody" is a correct form of English because Bron Bron used it in a sentence is not what our education system needs at the moment.

So let's all be advocates for non-contracted words.*

*Rule doesn't apply if you're in pick up games. In such a case, do not mention my name or blog to anyone of relative incompetence.

The Albertson's Matrix

I made a trip to the grocery store early this morning. I like doing things early, I think it's because I feel more accomplished. I mean, it's nice to say I'm done for the day when I finish errands by nine in the morning, even if said errands means simply brushing my teeth. Plus, the afternoon is hot, people are cranky/ready to go home, and I'm more in the mood to nap than wait in long lines.

While at Albertson's, a store manager was checking me out. Not in a creepy I wanna totally make out in the grocery checkout line kind of way. No, that would have made me vomit on the floor and caused me to subsequently slip and get it all over my clothes. Rather, he was checking my items out. My food damnit.

After the process, another employee came over and said someone (I didn't catch the name) was on the phone and had called to say that he would be a little late because he was looking for his dog. The lady messenger looked as if she wasn't buying the story and upon hearing the news, the manager also looked a little put out. As for me, I was thinking yeah right buddy. But at least he called.

I don't know why I paid attention to that particular conversation. It must have been by default. I tend to not be able to pay attention to any one thing at a time and I think during that moment I was punching in some sort of debit card pin number, which I'm still upset about because I never got to choose it.

Nevertheless, a bag boy put my groceries in my cart and away we went on the awkward trip to the parking lot and small talk.

I never know what to say during these trips. I hate it. I'm sure everyone talks about the weather so I always make a conscious decision not to bring that up. I don't want to ask how his day is because we don't really have the allotted time for him to share with me that his girlfriend just broke up with him on myspace the night before and that he spent his time after that trying to get back with her via text message. Instead, I spend the whole walk thinking of something to say. By the time I think of something, we're already at my car and I ponder, "maybe next time bag person, maybe next time."

I tend to mention which car is mine way too prematurely in a rather poor attempt to get his or her mind off of the fact that I'm not a great parking lot conversationalist. "I'm over there," I usually say when I see the first glimpse of my white bumper. "We can just put them in the front seat," I suggest before we're anywhere close to unlocking my door.

I was driving home, taking a path less traveled, when I saw a guy from a distance. He was wearing a maroon colored polo with khaki pants. As I drew closer, I noticed a black dog in front of him, as giddy as any dog who had just experienced a limited amount of freedom, one that had wondered about and peed on things. When I drove by I realized that on the maroon polo was an Albertson's logo and that this was the kid on the phone. It had turned out that he wasn't lying after all. I sort of laughed to myself, as if my feeling stupid was justified by a boy and his dog. To think that just ten minutes earlier I was thinking to myself, "yeah gooood one."

Sometimes life is cool like that. Occasionally life seems more like a movie than anything else. But then again, maybe life IS one big movie. Maybe someone invented a channel for each person. In which case, I've got to make this blog a lot more interesting.

Horrible Penalty Kick

And the MLS wonders why it will never match the popularity of European soccer.



HAHAHAHA.


I sort of feel sorry for Beckham.

UFC 75: Unacceptable

If you have ever seen the previews for an upcoming UFC showdown then you should enjoy this parody. It's rather enjoyable.