The Only Thing I Want To See Flipped Are Burgers

Each stage of life possesses a gayness that comes along with it. Around the age of five or six I was in love with the WWF. Hulk Hogan, Andre the Giant,. the Ultimate Warrior, Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Coco B. Ware, all of these wrestlers were at the top of my interest lists. At that time, I had no inkling that wrestling was fake, but I don't think it would have mattered anyway, those were still impressionable years. I had a helmet haircut and wore MC Hammer pants until the age of ten. And then there was puberty and the squeaking of my voice. I used to dread it when our teacher decided to read aloud as a class and I always had my fingers crossed, hoping that she wouldn't call on me. I never was guaranteed that the first word out of my mouth wouldn't be a squeak.

I don't think my wardrobe got any better over the next few years. I wore basketball and football jerseys like they were going out of style (had I only known that they eventually would - unless you're black and have an ability to make anything look cool). I was a player when I was 14 and 15 and thought that was so cool/challenging. I once dated three girls at the same time and wrote gay poems for each one of them. No only that, I was gay enough to all write them the same poems. I don't think anything has been more awkward than that. High school reeked of the awkwardness of having to go on dates and meeting parents for the first time. And who could forget the awkwardness of the freshman year picture?

Now the world is challenged with a bigger dilemma. A dilemma of collar sized proportions. Two inches have destroyed my hopes for a less awkward end of my awkward years existence. Collars never originated in the form of 2 inches, but someone, somewhere magically, and haphazardly thought that one inch wasn't long enough. And some of the poor world followed. I'm talking about the flipped up collar. I've seen it more and more and each time I wonder if individuality were more celebrated would people become increasingly more original? My other question is, since a flipped up collar is already halfway up your head, why not just add another couple of inches and make it a hoodie? Or why not just make the collar out of cardboard? That would really bring out the 15 and 17 year old girls who look to mtv as their source of normality. I've seen some bad fads within the last two years and they usually originate by one human being, Ashton Kutcher. The trucker hat fad, the Von Dutch fad, the mustache fad (oh, how I only wish). But I think he gets a pass on this one. Nothing says look at how unoriginal I am more than the flipped up collar. Nothing screams out take me to prison (when I attract high school girls like blood does mosquitos) more than popping the collar. If I really cared, I would be tempted to send out a mass email across America. I would at least attempt to get the memo across. But then again, I prefer to laugh and point. I prefer to stare at girls that fall for guys with this style, because after all, these are the awkward stages right? "Mom how did you meet dad?" "He had one HUGE collar dear, and he wore sunglasses indoors....at night. He was hot."